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Personalisms

From the personal blog of Jai. Finney

Eight years ago (and three years before the launch of Picture This Clothing) I wrote “Personalisms” as the first in a series of explorations in writing and self-discovery. This moment was such an important milestone on the path that eventually led to Picture This Clothing that I felt compelled to share it here as the starting point of the “Jaimee’s Blog” portion of our company website. It was interesting to me to read through it and find that after the world’s crazy 2020, I have a lot of similar feelings and fears I had back then.

One goal from this original post was to write every single day and I can tell you that the reality of that challenge set-in very quickly and I failed after just 7 days. I’m glad I failed. I mean, it would be awesome to say I did it and successfully built a daily writing habit but instead, I learned to fall and get up, and be OK with that. I learned to try different kinds of challenges with different durations. I learned that I could still set big goals but that in order to achieve those, I needed to break them down into little tiny bite-sized pieces. Picture This was born that way.
My goal now is to post once per month for the next three months. In three months, I’ll assess how I did, and how I should move forward. I hope you’ll share your thoughts and feedback with me! And if you’re working on something of your own, I hope you’ll share that with me, too!

***The post below was originally shared on  5/6/2013 ***

PERSONALISMS

I left my post as Director of Experience Design at Black Pixel on April 30, 2013.

My reason for leaving was–in it’s simplest form–my nature is that of the “independent.” It’s not that I am not good with authority, or being an employee. It’s more that I want to own my time. Owning my time has been somewhat a struggle for me since about 2009. I’m on a quest to get a handle on my time, and use it to make a reality of the future I see in my mind.

A quick overview of my 2009:

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I had my second child in February, closed a company I loved in March, began the divorce process in April, started a new job at Zappos in May (which included 4 weeks of legendary Zappos training in June.) My now-former-husband moved out of the house in September, my also-going-through-a-divorce sister moved in with her two boys in October and in November my dad had an episode that put him back, temporarily, under mental-ward care at the Veteren’s Hospital. A pretty busy year.

//

In a lot of ways, I feel like I’ve been trying to recover ever since. Slowly, plugging away at trying to find some semblance of the balance my life seemed to have prior to 2009. Keeping afloat with work and being a mom. I recall often, “I was so healthy, once.” “I used to have such a clean house.” “I cared how I dressed, a few years back.”

I’m certain that part of my problem has been really letting go of what was, in order to allow for what is and what will become. Also, really making up my mind on what I want the present and the future to be.

My quest to jump and basically fly for a while is one of self-discovery. Self-evaluation. Self-stabilization. Aspirationally, a bit of self-reinvention.

The scary part… can I survive? I’m an independent mom now. Two beautiful little girls ages 8 and 4. I am not a super wealthy person by any means. I have a mortgage and all the bills and expenses that come with home ownership. I have saved as much as I can for a while in order to allow myself this moment and not have to panic about lack of income for a few months yet still, it is scary. My mind oscillates from, “I can do this!” to “Oh holy bologna, what did I just do?!” and back again. Deep down, I know I can accomplish what I’m trying to accomplish. Writing about it is helping me overcome a big fear I have about putting myself out there.

Part of my quest will be in finding my health again. Finding my sense of resourceful creativity. Part will be in finding balance in making my home a more enjoyable (read as: alive and considered) place again. Another part of my quest will be to write something every single day. Many of these things I will share here. Many things will be a part of the groundwork for what I hope to become more article based work. And some of the writings will come out as talks at conferences.

The first thing I did to gear up for my big quest was make a schedule. So far, so good. Even if it is only Day 1. I’m moving in 30 day sprints to start out. We’ll see how it goes.

It’s a personal journey, for sure. If you choose to check in on this blog, let me just say, I’m grateful to have you along.

Jai. Finney
Co-founder, CEO, Mom of 2
Picture This Clothing

Sophia, Jaimee, Adrian-the-cat, Zia ~2015

 

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4 responses to “Personalisms”

  1. You are very brave to open up to reveal to others your own struggles and hurts as well as your goals. It is not always easy to let others into your deeply personal life. We all have been through very difficult situations, setbacks, and a sense of failure. And yet we get up and set new goals and priorities. Thank you for sharing. You certainly are not alone. Trying to find what you need within yourself is very common. But we are basically inadequate to solve our difficulties alone. We all need help. We all need to be able to count on someone or something that will never fail us. For me, it is THE SOLID ROCK, Jesus Christ, who loves us more than we can imagine. He has walked with me through some very hard times and brought me out on the other side happier than ever. I appreciate this opportunity to share this truth with you. I do love Picture This Clothing and enjoy designing clothes as a great outlet for my creative nature. YOU are important to me.

    • Gail, Thank you so much for this. It is true that we can only find so much within, to grow, find strength, courage, and support we also need to reach out. I’m grateful to have you in our amazing Picture This Community, you bring so much joy and imagination! I love getting to know you more and more over time. <3

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